The Witan, 1976-1977 Academic Year, Gala April Fool's Day Edition 1977

Dublin Core

Title

The Witan, 1976-1977 Academic Year, Gala April Fool's Day Edition 1977

Description

Amin Named to Faculty, WLA Holds Witan Staff at Bay, Cooking in Georgia, Mafia Invades St. Mary's, 7-Eleven Expands, Pulitzer Prize to Witan, Skladal to Pay Rent, Girl Dribble, Up Close and Personal

Creator

Tim Johnson

Publisher

St. Mary's University School of Law San Antonio Texas, St. Mary's University School of Law Student Bar Association, Sarita Kenedy Law Library

Date

1977-04

Relation

The Witan

Format

RFC3778

Language

English, en-US

Type

Text

Identifier

STMUlaw_TheWitan_1977GalaAprilFools

PDF Search

Text

ifWitan

Largest Circulation of any St. Mary's Law School Paper

ENQUIRER
To Teach Constitutional Law-

Gala April Fool's Edition

AMIN NAMED TO FACULTY
Freshman Class Missing: Decin e Offers RewardPage 9
.......:..;...;..:..:......

-See Page 11

ClA Indicted
Page 3

Book Stolen: library Forced To Close-

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Page 10

Bed Sores Can Be FunPage 2 Broad Daylight Attempt-

Heat Stroke Claims Three in Room 101Page 9

WLA Holds Witan Staff at Bay
In a daring daylight maneuver, the Women 's Law Association of the School of Law of St. Mary's University kidnapped the 6-member Witan Editorial Board late Friday. The award winning journalists are being held at knife-point in the Pecan Grove as hundreds of campus security men surrounded the small South Texas Catholic Campus . Ms. Patricia A. Wueste, Grand Wizard of the campus sect , announced to all onlookers -that the WLA was out to redeem its good name and to demonstrate to all that the women 's lib organization could make valuable contributions to the legal communi ty. The WLA's actions came in the wake of a scathing Witan. headline which demeaned the women's legal fraternity

SBA Does Something-

Page 3

(Continued on Page 3)

Page 4

WITAN ENQUIRER

April 1 ,1977

I love everything and everybody . The Dean is great. The faculty is super, and the food --at the snack bar .delightful. Our curriculum is truly ' spectacular and noone could want nor even dream of a better situation . All my fellow students are trustworthy, loyal, hel pfu I, friend Iy, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. My li fe is . beautiful and so is yours . All of the campus clubs and gatherings are truly giggles and the Women's Law Association is especially full of fun and witty people. I would also at this time like to personally thank the administration for their sincere and conscientious approach to the scheduling of final exams. It is truly admirable and highly commendable that they have devised a format for exams that alleviate any conflict's or impose any undue burden upon the law student. Also the rapidity in which the grades appear should be commended. Especially delightful , I might add, is the 12: 00 to 1 : 00 faculty and administration barricade. This ingenious device preempts communication between the faculty and the administration and the students during the lu'nch hour and ' definitely subserves the underlying purpose to make students eat lunch from 12 : 00 to 1 : 00 . And finally I would like to compliment everyone for their mature response to criticism during the last year. Never was the WITAN asked to change its viewpoint or perhaps alter an ed itorial. It is tru Iy great to be a part of such a thriving and dynamic institution; truly , the mecca of the Southwest.

WITAN ENQUIRER

EDITORIAL

, WITAN

ENQUIRER

T

Editor in chief Soapy Loafers Managing Editor Earn Rababa Articles Editor . L. Wayne Swatt Feature Editor Harold Rig Craigline Copy Editor .... Chacha Utu Business Manager . . .... Jimmy God Associate Feature Editor Auturo Yaoito Associate Article Editor Bi x Black Associate Business Managers . . ..... Joe Andur, Gene Son

Associate Copy Editor . Bob Hobbel Assistant Feature Editor . Googie Gross Assistant Articles Editor Dave Dirtworth Assistant Copy Editor . . Jim Strawcastle Assistant Business Manager . . .. Venny Traitor Assistant Associate Articles Editor AI LePole Assistant Associate Feature Editor Pabb Ferginson Supreme High Censor & • TattleTale .... Col. W. Frani s Crisco

April 1, 1977

WITAN ENQUIRER

Page 5

Cooking in Georgia
Capital punishment is back in vogue again. It was struck down by the Supreme Court of the United States in Furman v. Georgia, as being cruel and unusual punishment due to the discriminatory manner in which it was administered. The court found strong support for its discussion from humanitarians and those who were about to receive the penalty itself. This latter group itself was particularly dead set against it. Alt.hough the Supreme Court ruled capit~1 punishment as cruel and unusual punishment there were other reasons why many felt capital punishment should have been severely restricted in its administration , if not totally eliminated . In a little-read article by G.E. Watt entitled "Let's Pull the Plug on Electrocutions" the author put forth the argument that electrocution, as a form of capital punishment , was not necessarily cruel and unusual , but that certainly it was shocking . Watt, put forth the argument that what if the jolt from Mister Edison's rocking chair failed to do its job, the man would have to be reelectricuted. Watt found this to be positively revolting . There was an editorial printed in the "Hangman's Noose Letter" that spoke out strongly against hanging as a form of capital punishment. The editorial printed out that hanging usually involved a high strung individual caught at rope's end. It further stated that in older days when a tree sufficed as the scaffolding, no man should have been made to go out on the limb for anyone, because the chance of him being framed and hung were high . The editorial stated that in general, " No noose was good noose." Many articles and editorials have printed out the failings of the other methods used as a form of capital punishment. Gas, as a form of capital punishment, has been found to be effective bJt too breath-taking . Death by a firing squad has also been found effective , but it normally requires a man of unusually high caliber. An argument that has been used in an attempt to present the reintroduction of capital punishment is if capital punishment were reintroduced, it may lead to the introduction of torture , i.e. the rack. However, many feel that this is stretching the pOint and have refused to let this argument be drawn any further. In conclusion , though capital punishment may have been administerial in a disciplinary manner in the past, the results were never discriminating. The author of this article expresses no view as to capital punishment and will remain silent in order to avoid having to infected upon himself.

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Page 6

WITAN ENQUIRER

April 1, 1977

."an Expo•• -

Mafia Inyades St. Marys
St. Mary's Un iversity Law School has finally been infiltrated by the Company, the Organization , the Family , I. E. th e Mflf ia. From my source-Cut Th roat - whose name I will not reveal (She or he does have tightly curled bleach blond hair and occupies a hig h office in the administration) had given me much information about t he infiltration by this organization from a small island in the south of Texas , much like Sicily . This is land is ru led by Dons / from powerful fam il ies . St. Mary's has been invaded by one of the most cunning and powerful fam ili es of the island of Galvesto n, the Mussolini Family St. Mary's now has it 's own Don-Don Mussoli ni. This cunni ng, co nsplrtng , and clever Don got his train ing on the of steamy and greasy streets Galveston learning the cruel and evil Roberts Ru les of Pari iamentary Procedure fro m the most conniving , greasy and soci all y unacceptable thugs of the island . He then went to t he great halls of the royal pink capital bu il d ing of Texas , where every vest ige of his Italian-Galveston accent vanished and ' was replaced by a mouth-twisting, multisyllabic, down home, good ole boy accent, that would make Lyndon Johnson's accent sound like Bella Abzug . In fact while practicing under the tutorship of a certain very well known , very Texas accented LADY (I won 't say her whole name , but her middle name is BIRD). He twisted his mouth so much he had to wear a lip brace for two weeks. So equipped with the Roberts Rules of Parliamentary Procedure and his new " 80wayee Hoyoweedee" accent he was aSSigned to the legal-politico division of the Family and sent to St. Mary's where he infiltrated the Senate and Roberts Ruled it into submission and twisted his mouth around so much when he applied the rules , that no red-blooded , good ole boy , son of the Republic of Texas would argue w ith him . He then in quick succession became governor of this region of the ADA-LTD by wining and dining the delegates and with that marvelous accent convinced them he should be governor because no one wants to understand what the gove" nor says. r Now with agents allover the school , no place is safe from the Don . Many students have taken to only convers ing in their cars , but that is no longer safe since two students , who said in their car, that one of the Don 's dai ly public service speeches to the class was unneccesary and that he shouldn 't have Roberts Ruled Mr. Francisco out of order when he had the audacity to calion the Don in class (he just wanted the Don to shut up for once) disappeared . The Don and his gang who follow him aro und faithfully (like hungry puppies after their mother) then made their mistake , a deed that made brave protectors of the law school finally come ou t and rebe l. The school had been bowayee hoyoweeded and Roberts Ruled into complete submission . Every professor would ask the Don permiss ion to speak-halls were silent-classrooms were silent-even the Snake Pit fell one day when the checkstand lady had the nerve to ask the Don to pay. He immediately Roberts Ruled her out of order and refused to drink his chocolate milk . He
(Continued on Page 8)

..............................

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April 1 , 1977

WITAN ENQUIRER

Page 7

7-Eleven Expands
There are 6,000 7-Eleven stores in the U.S . , making them the country 's largest retai I chai n. According to the Southland Corp. , of Dallas , Tex. , 68 percent of all 7-Eleven customers are male and 19 percent are children and teenagers . Southland says the average purchase at 7-Eleven stores is $1.40 , and half the customers spend less than three minutes in the store. Nevertheless , 7-Eleven sales totaled $2 billion in 1976, and the stores served an average of four million customers a day.

Pulitzer Prize To Witan
The WIT AN was recently awarded a Special Pulitzer Prize for bad taste in journalism excellence. In announcing the award , the Pulitzer Committee c ited the WITAN's outstanding accomplishments in the fields of bad taste , depravity and repugnancy. " Never before has a paper done so little with so little," noted the Committee in making the presentation. Mac Secrest , Editor-in-Chief of the WIT AN stated that all accolades were due in great measure to the WITAN's superb and tawdry staff and also tei the wine cellar of Copy Editor Tony Chauveaux. Secrest pointed out that Chauveaux features such fine and robust labels as Ripple , March 1976, A. Greensprings , March 1977 and Queen Citriana, "a genuine grapefruit Wine. " When questioned regarding the novel Queen Citriana wine, Chauveaux noted "This delicate , semi-sweet wine is an exotic blend of Valley grapefruit and the delightful surprise of succulent cranberry juice , gently sweetened and fermented. " Chauveaux continued " This wine is equally at home with any of your favorite menus . Queen Citriana is the perfect compliment to your table and for a delightful change of pace, try a glass with a heaping platter of chilled ,fruit and wedges of golden cheese. " Secrest also blamed the award on Kayo Mullins , managing Editor and resident freak of St. Mary's University. (Continued on Page 3)

Pollution Shocking
Pollution by cigar smoke is far worse than pollution by cigarette smoke , reports the American Lung Assoc iation (ALA) . A study of pollution by cigar smoke showed that the smoke from nine cigars in one half-hour period pollutes the air as much as the smoke from 42 cigarettes , the ALA reported. Both types of pollution ra ised the level of carbon monoxide above safety limits set for workers in indust ry .

Skladal to Pay Rent
The Dean has announced that he has requested George Skladal to pay rent for the use of the library carrel in which he has been camped for the last 3 years . George has a couple of hot plates , a cot , a 4 piece place setting of Melmac and G.E. frost free ice box in the third carrel from the left as you ascend the stairs. In return for paying rent , Skladal has requested maid service , bathroom priv ileges after midnight , curtains and t he right to hang pictures on the wall.

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Page 11

WITAN ENQUIRER

April 1, 1977

Amin To Faculty
San Antonio - Idi Amin, beloved leader and liberator of Uganda, was today named to the Wm. P. Francisco Civil Liberties Chair. Making the announcement Dean Ernest A. Raba praised the former dictator and all round nice guy saying 'dE! I : tombrafrembe "Buwada iebi guano." The Dean cont'inued " Rebabo di wi baba gumbwana sinban bwaha de wana bi gigi umba. In returning Raba's praise , Amin noted "Gigi umba bi wana de bwana sinba gumbwana baba wi di robobo . Guana tombra frembe iebi de uabwada. " The Wm . P. Francisco Civil Liberties Chair was purchased at Clancy's Damaged Freight on Bandera for $9 .95 . It is covered in genuine leather like naugahide. Queen Anne in style, the chair features authentic simulated hand carved plastic legs. The holder of the chair has the right to censor the Witan in any manner he sees fit , short of torture. CommentinG on the broad powers connected with the chair, Col . Francisco , reeling from his recent run- in with an unnamed student organizat ion, moaned, "I trust (Continued on Page 8)

Girls Dribble
by Tim Johnson Wonder what those red Ms. Demeanor T-shirts signify? They are the exclusive province of the Law Women 's intramural b'asketball team , the Ms . Demeanors (cute, huh?) . The team bounced over their opponents to a sterl i ng 4-3 record. Led by towering Sue Andrews; the Law School's own Hell 's Angellette , the lineup consisted of Zol "Elbows" Courtney , a tough broad under the boards ; Jan " Nasty" Fisher, the .t13am 's enforcer ; Mary Ann " Floor Burns " Oakley , spent more time on her seat than her feet; " Mean " Maureen Gerold , used her height to advantage and her knees as deadly weapons . Martha " Mistaken " Tobin shoots at the first hoop she sees, theirs, ours , anybody's; Monita " Fisticuffs " Fontaine, best known for her wristgrabbing breakaway breakup ; Melissa " Hustles" Hirsch moved up and down the court so fast she thoroughly confused her opponent, teammates and self ; " Decoy " Dawn Bruner, her mai n task was distraction of the refs ; " Hot Lips " Linda Lampe , more bounce than the ball , sure defense ; Mary Pat " Most Perturbed " Braunschweiger, played good ball when she wasn 't arguing with the refs , fans or other players ; " Sweet " Sally Swanson , a sharp-shooter and vic ious rebou nder ; Kathy "Wrestlin" Randle , best known for her flying tackles on good-looking spectators, and the most enthusiastic , motley crew of fans anywhere . Three girls have turned down NBA offers and one an NFL offer to finish law school . Seri ous ly the team played with enthusiasm , intensity and i ntelligence. Their defense and passing were excellent. With a little more offense they could be ne xt year's champs. If you didn't attend one of the games you missed some first class entertainment. The girls are planning an athletic banquet for themselves and their athletic supporters , and it is rumored that at least o ne of the Spurs may attend . Fro .Tl a chauvanistic point of view the Ms . Demeanors were far and away the best looking team in the league .

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April 1 , 1977

WITAN ENQUIRER

Page 12

Dean Announces First Fireside Chat
The St. Mary 's News Agency TASS announced t oday that the Dean will hol d the tenth annual fireside chat. The location for this gala event will be Flores General Store in Helotes, Te xas . The topic this year, as in previous year , will be "Student Problems ." The dean has said that he would like the students to see him as a father figure in "our little family. " Oth er highlights of the program will be a panel discussion involving all of the professors . The ' Dean was overh eard to say that " any professor o und to be unreceptive will, of co urse, be fired ." Fo ll o wing the formal part .of the prog ram , Dean Raba , Dean Schmidt , an d Dean Reuschlein will host a dance semin ar o n " the cotten -eye Joe" to the tun e o f " Three Blind Mice ." A s is the school policy , refres hm ent s will be served . free

Law Student Tells Witan "Why I Love 'America"
D. Fortuna , first year law student , submitted the following essay to the Witan Enquirer. Love of country is next to Godline'ss . I truly feel at night when I pray on my knees that dirty , commie perverts in North Korea can't and aren't able to love their country because they have no concept of democracy and they really love comingling in collective masses and are afraid to be free owners of preferred blue chip stocks . I believe we should beat God into those rat infested Vermin suckers because until they have been represented by Lester Maddox and I ,other All-American citizens they cafl never envision and appreciate our constitutional heritage. Majority rule is really' great and I believe all of us know that "Might makes right " and the " strong suffer what they will and the weak suffer what they must ". Thucydides said that in the Peloponesian War , as did John Tower . What this cigar needs is some 5c pot in every chicken.

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Witan

Page 105

Enquirer's
Double Money Bock Guarantee. Send me $4.95 and I'll send you on essay on HOW I BEAT DOGS WHEN I'M OUT ON A WALK. Moil all money, only cosh , to Joe Anderson , P.O. Box 74 , S.A., Tex. If not completely satisfied , I' ll send your money bock twice. There's a foxy lady with red hair in the freshman closs thot always ignores me. Goddamnit, that makes me mod: Henry , at the bottom of the stairs . PLANTS FOR SALE. They all soy it looks like soybeans-,- but you and I know different. 3 wks. , 8 in., lOin . plast. planter , 6 oz. plant food , PLANTERS HANDBOOK (used). Make best offer. Call Natasha 684-0730 . VERN 'S HOUSE OF VIBRATORS- Shake, rattle, roll. Great for parties , politicians and cooking . A wonderful hand-me-down!!! 993-7741 , 348-3417 . Communists for Rent!!! If you need pinkos, homosexuals with a TrotsKY touch or perhaps a few weird longhairs who smoke the devil weed , we supply them for all functions. All our people are degenerate as you could want- a few of them even vote republican! Call 341-2091. Wonted: We buy & sell your used whatevers, send us our list of unwanteds, include photo, satisfaction guaranteed. P.O. Box 1, Paradise Prariee, Tx . Needed : We need Gigs. 4 professional jews- harpists. We do clubs , dances, wedding, wakes , Barmitzvahs. Call Honk 388-7922 No Gig too large or small. Wonted : All available sets of Southwestern reporter for improvement of the library W. Ferguson. To e.e.- Why don ' t we shuffle off to Mexico? E.G. MEDITATION LESSIONS. Get involved in things you know nothing about or that are none of your business. Call Nicky. Maggots for sale - We offer a unique selection of genuine Texas size maggots. Never before have such a cute selection been available . Send no stomps. If you have token secured transactions or water low you are entitled to 2 extra maggots. Send for brochure_ Box 2721 Cuero, Texas . STOVE FOR SALE. Gass or electric or microwave. Full inventory. We deliver_All store doors can be . opened from the inside_ Call 734-9333. SIGN FOR SALE . Crocked , dead rose flowers, 15'x8 ', tribute to living dead, mismatched bricks , we deliver. Pick up at front of low school. $3.50 or best offer. Call engineers St. Mary's Low School. Sonofabitch. KEXL is gone. Bob.

Up Close And Personal
Dear Editor. The water fountain in front of R. #101 is fixed . I admire such deliberate action. YOUR NAME engraved in cheese. Let folks know where you live. Satisfaction guaranteed . A&M Mfg. P.O. Box 395 , Sonora , Texas . $8.95 e.O.A. · OLDER MEN are better! Learn how to be the best. Appeal to younger women after fifty . Send $1.98 to PBS , Box 117, Waxahacie , Tex ., 81226. INSTANT MEMORY. New way to remember. No memorization . Release "photographic" mem ory. Forget nothing! Liberates knowledge , talents, ESP. Pass contracts like you pass legal 696. Institute of Advanced Thinking. 845 E. Via Lapaz , Pitts. P.A. 90272. Tired? Try bee pollen . Why not? You 've tried everything else. 100 day supply . $3 .95 , Worthington Distributors , 59 Lochatong Rd . Worthington , Minn. 55601 . Leo, or whatever you said your nome was , now that the shoe's on the other foot- see if you can ge1 your pants off. Popcorn lady. Found anything yet, Dean? Kayo Mullins . Comb your hair. DENNY CALLAHAN . Brush your teeth. JOHN CORNYN. We found your bottle of Grecian Formula Seventy-seven. FOR SALE _ String ties, Turquoise. See George Glos. Wonted Knickers. See Ed in faculty build ing. See me to kick your habit. Sister T.T. For a new lease on life_ See Sarge_ Wonted-Editors , stoff secretaries and assorted peons-must be willing to give 125 ~ . effort for no reword , except be a snob & learn to get blood from a turnip. Call Lorry. For on electrifying experience see Orville Walker . (Does that shock you?) For sale--Used Jeans- goo.d holes & tears- few . patches- only 2nd owner. See GWH. MOOT COURT winners will receive Popeit's Pocket Fisherman. Best brief will rece ive K-Tell 's 100 rude interruptions by unprepared jud ges. I have been looking for my 1964 Lavender Corvair for the lost two weeks since by Community property closs and wont to get bock to Poteet for Easter break , but no one can find anything when it's full. I can be located living under the steps of the classroom building . GOVERNMENT JOBS. Need eight 1st-year low students to plant Douglas Fir trees as port of a O vermayer Plan for the futvre. Let resume reflect the length of your fingers . Call Federal Inf o rmation for more details. ANTIQUES. Specializing in gloss doornobs, podded arm choirs , '40 's-style ladies wear , granny glosses, and leather tobacco pouches . 418 Main St. M-F ; 9 :090-5 :00 , ask for Bose. LOST MY KNIFE. Call 433-9371. LA MAMA de Rosita , mujer diantes se encontraba remendanda los calcitines y calcones de viejo que era muy Lumbre para ropa ... le decia un pendejo porque tiene oro in su boca , plato in su boca , y plomo in sus patas. Asi me gusto Can Sapho. Butch: the path to Success leads to ground upon w h ich the pa th lies : therefore to the ground , one must get off the path re ally leav ing it. Ying and Yang _ You Are Welcom e--open invitation to Tricentennial celebration for t~e Statue of Frauds 1677-1977. Bring this Ad- Parol invitations will not be accepted. To B.R.- Who's coming t o d inner? K.M . BE PREPARED for the im m inent decriminalization of ethnic humor. Order your Encyclopedia of Racial Slurs now at the special pre-publication price of only $29 .99 and be the first on your block to call a spade a spade! Fully 3 ,000 boffo insults, barbs , jibes and pejoratives (many in foreign languages) will be delivered : 0 your door if you oct now! Orders received before April 2, 1977 will receive (in addition to o ur ethnic caricatures booklet) a second vo lume of easily-understood slams suitable for use on whitey! ... order now. Operators waiting. WEIGHTS FOR SALE. Never try squats after consuming a case of Scotch and a troy of hors d 'ovuers; stomach belt included. Call 226-7661 . WANTED : Well -hung second year low student who digs enemas. Object: we are seeking on associate capable of aiding in the solution of a client's intimate problem . Cheetham and Robbum , P.A. KAREN : ''I'm in town looking for a 'summer clerking job & thought of our brief encounter lost year. Wanna go downtown some night and help me clean the kitchen? Hope Lance is still in the closet. Ciao, Porky. FREE : 8 wk. old puppy . Brown/ block exterior, pink interior, four on the floor. All new hot rod fuel sy stem w / peristaltic pump . Some regulation necessary on dump-tube exhau·st. PORKY: Lance is out of the closet but now spends his time exclusively in the boy's room. No sweot there . Hope to see you soon. Bring your Frederick 's catalog . Carin'.

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Tim Johnson, “The Witan, 1976-1977 Academic Year, Gala April Fool's Day Edition 1977,” St. Mary's Law Digital Repository, accessed January 25, 2020, http://lawspace.stmarytx.edu/item/STMUlaw_TheWitan_1977GalaAprilFools.

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